Plan 9 From Outer Space

And so we come to the final movie of So Bad It's Good September, and I have saved the, ahem, best, for last. My absolute favourite cult bad movie. From visionary director Ed Wood, the one and only Plan 9 From Outer Space.

This movie is often recognised as the worst film ever made. In fact several film authorities, including Golden Turkey Awards, named it as the worst movie of all time. Like Manos, the level of incompetence is just unreal. Wood was undoubtably passionate about the films he made, but the fact is, they were of such bad quality and stitched together so sloppily that all that ever resulted was a horrible and illogical mess. So let's finish off this special month by having a butchers at this timeless train wreck.

Released in 1959 and starring Gregory Walcott, Mona McKinnon, Tor Johnson and Vampira, Plan 9 revolves around an alien attempt to prevent mankind from creating an explosive device that would threaten the entire universe. It also marks the final on-screen appearance of Bela Lugosi, but a LOT more on that later.

Since this film's plot is so fragmented and uncohesive, it's difficult to summarise it here, but I'll give it my best shot. The film opens with 2 grave diggers being killed by the resurrected corpse of a recently deceased woman (Vampira). Meanwhile, Pilot Jeff Trent (Walcott) encounters a flying saucer in the skies above California. He describes it to his wife as being 'shaped like a huge cigar' (even though we clearly see it is round, like a SAUCER). Inspector Clay (Johnson) investigates the graveyard, and is also killed by the undead woman, and is himself brought back as a zombie.

We soon discover that the aliens have initiated 'Plan 9' which involves reanimating the bodies of the recently dead and marching them on the Earth's capital cities. Why? So the people of Earth will finally acknowledge the existence of extra-terrestrials. Yeah, because when I see Zombies, I think Aliens.

As far as the plot goes, that's all you need to know. The aliens want humans to believe they are real, so they take control of an army of Zombies (3 in total) and decide to set them loose on Earth's capital cities. But, in what may be the biggest disappointment in movie history, they never even make it out of the graveyard, let alone out of California. Tor and Vampira just wander around about 10 feet from their graves with expressionless faces. But despite this, everyone seems threatened by them. If any of the characters had the good sense to just stay away from the cemetery, almost all of the films problems would be solved.

                                                    Look mummy, it's a... flying pie tin?!

There are so many things to say about the films I have literally no idea where to start. I hinted earlier about the dubious nature of Bela Lugosi's turn in the film, so I guess I'll start with that. Wood loved Lugosi, and was keen to have him in this flick. Unfortunately, Lugosi died shortly after filming began. Instead of doing what any sensible Director would do and just write him out of the movie, Wood decided to keep him in. He used the very limited footage he already had, as well as recycled footage of Lugosi from the abandoned film 'Tomb Of The Vampire', which, by the way, is repeated about 6 times for no reason whatsoever. With Lugosi gone, Wood hired a replacement, his current wife's chiropractor, a man who in no way resembled Bela. In order to 'disguise' this fact, he held his cape over the lower half of his face. As if this wasn't funny enough, DVD distributors would later release the movie with the words 'Almost Starring Bela Lugosi' on the cover.

On top of that, the special effects are beyond terrible. The UFOs are kids toys suspended by fishing lines, and stock footage is rife throughout the movie. Some scenes were shot with backgound lighting and others without, but sometimes these are put together, making it seem like the time of day is changing repeatedly during a single scene.

But many claim that its the dialogue is where the movie really falls flat. It's bizarre, disjointed, and at times inconsistent. The opening narration highlights this within 60 seconds. The narrator uses phrases such as 'future events such as these' and 'what happened on that fateful day', describing future events in past tense. He also refers to the audience as 'my friends' 4 times in the space of a minute.

And finally we have the issue that Ed Wood became synonymous with, continuity. There's no doubt the man was passionate about movies, he was famous for it. He was also famous for using the first take. This leads to boom mike shadows, characters knocking over props, items changing/appearing/disappearing between shots, characters missing cues, the list is quite simply endless.

Many would say that Plan 9 is the epitome of Wood's enthusiastic ineptitude, and while this may be true, many people, including myself, would say that the film is far too amusing to be deemed 'bad'. In fact, this movie is side-splittingly funny. Absolutely nothing is done well, or even half-well. Direction, editing, dialogue, effects, acting ad infinitum. I couldn't possibly list all the ways this movie makes an idiot of itself, I have other reviews to write. But the truth is, I laughed at this movie more than I've laughed at a lot of comedies, intentionally funny movies. Plan 9 From Outer Space is a catastrophe, a bottomless pit of cinematic shame. But as a piece of art that we can enjoy, it gets me every time.

Verdict: So Bad It's Good? Yes

So I hope you enjoyed 'So Bad It's Good September'. Normal service will be resumed next week.

Manos: The Hands Of Fate

For several years (several decades actually) there was a movie which sat proudly at the top of the IMDB Bottom 100 list. A film so utterly egregious that it was ignored by the box office, plummeted into obscurity, and since being brought back to the public eye, has been dubbed by many as the worst film ever made. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, Manos: The Hands Of Fate.

The story behind today's movie came about when a man named Stirling Silliphant made a bet with another man named Harold P. Warren that he couldn't make an entire movie on his own. Warren, a Fertilizer Salesman from Texas, having no previous experience in cinema, accepted the bet, and set about writing the script, obtaining the equipment and gathering together a cast of amateurs to cobble together Manos: The Hands Of Fate, released in 1966. Back then it was cast aside as a waste of celluloid, today, it is regarded as a cornerstone of pure artistic failure.

As is standard for cinematic travesties, the plot is as thin and unimaginative as they come. A family of 3, Mike (Warren), his wife Margaret (Diane Mahree) and daughter Debbie (Jackney Neyman Jones) are lost on the way to a lodge where they are planning to spend their first family vacation. After driving around for literally 10 minutes of film time, they come across a house in the middle of nowhere, guarded by a guy named Torgo, who carries a large stick and shakes constantly like he has Parkinsons Syndrome. He tells the family that he guards the place 'while The Master is away'. Instead of leaving like reasonable human beings, they decied to stay the night, where a myriad of unusal events take place.

Hello darling!

That's the story in a nutshell. They come across a creepy manor, a creepy guy, a creepy dog, another creepy guy, and some creepy stuff happens. So that must mean this is a seriously creepy film right? Wrong. I've never seen a horror movie that was so unscary. There is no suspence, no haunting atmopshere, and no scares or shocks. For a film billed as 'It's shocking, it's beyond your imagination' it's a complete letdown. Warren handled the directing, the screenplay, the producing and was the main star, and as you would expect, he made a comlete hash of the lot. Allegedly, he would get so stroppy on set and had such a prima donna attitude that cast and crew and crew stared calling the film 'Mangos: The Cans Of Fruit' behind his back.

This movie is basically a comprehensive guide on how NOT to make a movie. The incompotence levels are just off the chart. The camera Warren used couldn't record sound so it had to be added afterwards, with the dialogue being recorded by only 3 people, so when there are several actors on screen, it can be difficult to work out who is talking. John Reynolds, the actor who played Torgo, wore metal rigging on his legs in order to appear like a Satyr, but he wore them backwards, making his performance extremely awkward, not to mention painful. On top of all that, the night scenes were actually filmed at night, without any lighting equipment, so almost nothing can be seen; and Warren clearly didn't appreciate the beauty of the word 'Cut', because a handful of scenes go on, and on, and on, and on. They feel like they are never going to end, which wouldn't be so bad if they actually accomplished anything. But no, they are a complete waste of time and energy.

The list of how this movie fails is pretty much endless, but I really needn't say anymore. Of all the films I have ever seen, this is probably the worst. I've seen films I've hated more. Maybe they were stupider, more boring, more annoying etc, but in terms of quality of filmaking, this is the all-time low.

Verdict: So Bad It's Good? No

The Room

Next on the So Bad It's Good September list is the 2003 independent disaster The Room. Like all the films I will review this month, The Room has a devoted following, is a cult classic in many people's eyes, and just like Troll 2, the main focus of this bizarre adoration belongs primarily with the acting. Once again, it contains no professional actors, just randoms who, you guessed it, can't act to save themselves. But many other elements make up this, uh, masterpiece, so let's have a look.

If you can believe it, The Room's Director, Writer, Producer, and main star are all the same person: Tommy Wiseau. So when it comes to someone to blame for this film, it rests solely on this man; someone whose acting has been described as being like 'Borat doing an impression of Chris Walken playing a mental patient.' Harsh, but VERY fair.

With an independent injection of $5 million, the film was met with scolding disparagements, with the plot, characters, editing, direction, screenplay and in the particular, the acting, being called on. Wiseau has stated that the movie was intended to be a black comedy, and as such, the irregularities are intentional. But members of the cast and crew have debated this, saying it was supposed to be a romance. Whatever it was supposed to be, it failed. Big time.

The film takes places in San Francisco, where our main character Johnny (Wiseau) lives an idyllic life as a successful banker, engaged to a beautiful woman named Lisa (Juliette Danielle). Unfortunately, we discover that Lisa has grown tired of Johnny, labelling him as 'boring'. So in order to spice up her life, she begins an affair with Johnny's best friend Mark (Greg Sestero).

Believe it or not but the above paragraph pretty much sums up the entire plot. It's so basic and rudimentary you wouldn't believe that you could churn out so much protracted and superfluous nonsense from it. Plenty of things happen in the film of course, but one of the flaws that the film was called on by audiences was just how many utterly unnecessary scenes the film contains. When I first watched it I found myself asking, everytime a scene ended, "What was the point of that?" The answer, of course, is none.

                                                       "You are tearin' me apar Liza!"

The film is roughly an hour and a half long, and maybe only 20 minutes of that is dedicated to the central storyline, which is weak at best. The rest seems to be exaggerated filler. For example, in one of the many scenes where Lisa talks (pointlessly) with her mother, she is informed that her mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This notably serious piece of information is casually dismissed, and never brought up again. In another scene, Denny, a friend of Johnny and Lisa (yet another pointless addition) is confronted by a drug dealer he owes money too. Afterwards, this issue is never revisited, and no mention of Denny's drug taking occurs before or after this event.

But, as I mentioned earlier, it's not the plot that makes this movie so infamous. Oh no, that distinction belongs to the acting. Whoever told the people in this movie that they could act really need to reduce the dosage. Hammy and wooden don't even begin to describe it. The characters exude as much emotion as a Kevin Costner waxwork. Wiseau himself has become almost idolised for his appalling acting. Just type 'Oh hi Mark' into YouTube and you'll see exactly what I mean.

I could ramble on and on about how ways this movie falls flat on it's face. Acting, screenplay, editing, continuity, directing, the list just goes on. But unlike Troll 2, it does actually work on a certain level. The Room is undeniably fascinating. How is it possible that someone could make a film so lame, so utterly wretched, and yet so interesting and engaging? It's the kind of movie that could become the subject of a University Degree. It should be studied, analysed, dissected and microscopically examined. The Room is a bad film, but it gives you an experience you will never, ever forget.

Verdict: So Bad It's Good? Yes

Troll 2

This month I'd like to do something special. We've all heard of the expression 'So bad, it's good'. In film terms, it refers to a movie that is so poorly made and/or executed that it actually becomes amusing, in that you laugh at how terribly put-together it is. Well this month is going to be 'So Bad It's Good September', as we look at 4 of the most famous fantastically abysmal films, starting with the 1990 'Horror Movie' Troll 2

Directed by Claudio Fragasso (under the pseudonom Drake Floyd), Troll 2 was originally titled 'Goblins', but was renamed in an apparent attempt to cash-in on the movie Troll, which was, itself, a critical flop. On top of that, the writers, Floyd and Rossella Drudi, were not fluent in English, but despite this, they insisted that the actors read the resultantly bizarre dialogue verbatim. So, we're off to a good start.

The plot, as you may have guessed, is dumb. And I don't just mean basically stupid, I mean unbelievably ridiculous. The film follows the Waits family; Mum, Dad, daughter Holly and son Joshua, as they take a summer vacation to a town called Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards, this film's idea of a twist). Joining them are Holly's boyfriend Elliot and his friends Brent, Arnold and Drew. I haven't included the names of any cast members, as none of the 'stars' of the film were professional actors, though some did go on to achieve success in other areas, but more of that later.

The family arrive in Nilbog, where they find a meal laid out for them. Seemingly unconcerned that the food is covered in an undetermined green slime, they prepare to tuck in. At this point, Grandpa Seth (a deceased member of the family, whom only Joshua can see) appears, and tells Josh that if anyone eats the food, they will be turned in vegetables and eaten by the locals. That's right, the movie's antagonists are vegetarian Goblins. Do you feel the sheer terror creeping up your spine? I sure hope not.

So how does Joshua stop his family from being turned into cabbages? He urinates on the food! No, I'm not kidding.

Meanwhile, Arnold's friends, who incidentally have NOTHING to do with the central plot, or any other plot for that matter, are camped out in an RV on the outskirts of town. While having a smoke, Arnold sees a blonde woman running through the forest in panic. After tackling her to the ground like a reasonable, compassionate human being, the 2 of them come face-to-face with the Goblins. In all honesty, the only thing I found interesting about this film is how in God's name you could possibly find them scary. Every one of them looks like the butchered love-child of an Orc and a bag of potatoes, and worst of all, every time we see them, they are in broad daylight. No build-up, no great reveal, no suspense at all.

One of the Goblins lobs a spear at Arnold, forcing him and the unnamed blonde to seek medical help. Eventually coming across what looks like Willy Wonka's Cathedral, they come across Creedence, local mad-woman and contender for world's greatest scenery chewer. Informing them there is no hospital in the area, she offers them some of her homemade 'remedies'. They both drink (despite the blonde not being injured). She turns into a melting cucumber, he becomes stuck to the ground. What follows is the infamous 'Oh My God' Internet meme, which has chalked up over 3 million hits on Youtube.

                                                        Possibly the best death ever!!

There's not much else I want to say about the plot, or lack of it. I don't imagine many of you have ever seen the film, and those of you who haven't probably never will. All I'll say about the rest of the film is that it contains a few death scenes involving chainsaws, sandwiches and popcorn. Again, I'm not kidding.

This movie is dreadful, pure and simple. It commits every single sin in the cinematic Bible. Bad direction, absurd plot, laughable dialogue, terrible acting, crap special effects, awful music, abysmal editing, and a plethora of entirely redundant scenes. For me, these faults add together to spawn the movies most resounding flaw: It's soooo boring. Everything about this movie is protracted and completely uninteresting. None of the characters or story lines are engaging, and therefore there is no reason to care about any of them. It just drags from one tooth-grindingly inane scene to the next.

Troll 2 has legions of fans who praise it's almost inspiring badness, but I certainly am not one of them.

Verdict: So Bad Its Good? No