Directed by Claudio Fragasso (under the pseudonom Drake Floyd), Troll 2 was originally titled 'Goblins', but was renamed in an apparent attempt to cash-in on the movie Troll, which was, itself, a critical flop. On top of that, the writers, Floyd and Rossella Drudi, were not fluent in English, but despite this, they insisted that the actors read the resultantly bizarre dialogue verbatim. So, we're off to a good start.
The plot, as you may have guessed, is dumb. And I don't just mean basically stupid, I mean unbelievably ridiculous. The film follows the Waits family; Mum, Dad, daughter Holly and son Joshua, as they take a summer vacation to a town called Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards, this film's idea of a twist). Joining them are Holly's boyfriend Elliot and his friends Brent, Arnold and Drew. I haven't included the names of any cast members, as none of the 'stars' of the film were professional actors, though some did go on to achieve success in other areas, but more of that later.
The family arrive in Nilbog, where they find a meal laid out for them. Seemingly unconcerned that the food is covered in an undetermined green slime, they prepare to tuck in. At this point, Grandpa Seth (a deceased member of the family, whom only Joshua can see) appears, and tells Josh that if anyone eats the food, they will be turned in vegetables and eaten by the locals. That's right, the movie's antagonists are vegetarian Goblins. Do you feel the sheer terror creeping up your spine? I sure hope not.
So how does Joshua stop his family from being turned into cabbages? He urinates on the food! No, I'm not kidding.
Meanwhile, Arnold's friends, who incidentally have NOTHING to do with the central plot, or any other plot for that matter, are camped out in an RV on the outskirts of town. While having a smoke, Arnold sees a blonde woman running through the forest in panic. After tackling her to the ground like a reasonable, compassionate human being, the 2 of them come face-to-face with the Goblins. In all honesty, the only thing I found interesting about this film is how in God's name you could possibly find them scary. Every one of them looks like the butchered love-child of an Orc and a bag of potatoes, and worst of all, every time we see them, they are in broad daylight. No build-up, no great reveal, no suspense at all.
One of the Goblins lobs a spear at Arnold, forcing him and the unnamed blonde to seek medical help. Eventually coming across what looks like Willy Wonka's Cathedral, they come across Creedence, local mad-woman and contender for world's greatest scenery chewer. Informing them there is no hospital in the area, she offers them some of her homemade 'remedies'. They both drink (despite the blonde not being injured). She turns into a melting cucumber, he becomes stuck to the ground. What follows is the infamous 'Oh My God' Internet meme, which has chalked up over 3 million hits on Youtube.
There's not much else I want to say about the plot, or lack of it. I don't imagine many of you have ever seen the film, and those of you who haven't probably never will. All I'll say about the rest of the film is that it contains a few death scenes involving chainsaws, sandwiches and popcorn. Again, I'm not kidding.
This movie is dreadful, pure and simple. It commits every single sin in the cinematic Bible. Bad direction, absurd plot, laughable dialogue, terrible acting, crap special effects, awful music, abysmal editing, and a plethora of entirely redundant scenes. For me, these faults add together to spawn the movies most resounding flaw: It's soooo boring. Everything about this movie is protracted and completely uninteresting. None of the characters or story lines are engaging, and therefore there is no reason to care about any of them. It just drags from one tooth-grindingly inane scene to the next.
Troll 2 has legions of fans who praise it's almost inspiring badness, but I certainly am not one of them.
Verdict: So Bad Its Good? No
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