Manos: The Hands Of Fate

For several years (several decades actually) there was a movie which sat proudly at the top of the IMDB Bottom 100 list. A film so utterly egregious that it was ignored by the box office, plummeted into obscurity, and since being brought back to the public eye, has been dubbed by many as the worst film ever made. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, Manos: The Hands Of Fate.

The story behind today's movie came about when a man named Stirling Silliphant made a bet with another man named Harold P. Warren that he couldn't make an entire movie on his own. Warren, a Fertilizer Salesman from Texas, having no previous experience in cinema, accepted the bet, and set about writing the script, obtaining the equipment and gathering together a cast of amateurs to cobble together Manos: The Hands Of Fate, released in 1966. Back then it was cast aside as a waste of celluloid, today, it is regarded as a cornerstone of pure artistic failure.

As is standard for cinematic travesties, the plot is as thin and unimaginative as they come. A family of 3, Mike (Warren), his wife Margaret (Diane Mahree) and daughter Debbie (Jackney Neyman Jones) are lost on the way to a lodge where they are planning to spend their first family vacation. After driving around for literally 10 minutes of film time, they come across a house in the middle of nowhere, guarded by a guy named Torgo, who carries a large stick and shakes constantly like he has Parkinsons Syndrome. He tells the family that he guards the place 'while The Master is away'. Instead of leaving like reasonable human beings, they decied to stay the night, where a myriad of unusal events take place.

Hello darling!

That's the story in a nutshell. They come across a creepy manor, a creepy guy, a creepy dog, another creepy guy, and some creepy stuff happens. So that must mean this is a seriously creepy film right? Wrong. I've never seen a horror movie that was so unscary. There is no suspence, no haunting atmopshere, and no scares or shocks. For a film billed as 'It's shocking, it's beyond your imagination' it's a complete letdown. Warren handled the directing, the screenplay, the producing and was the main star, and as you would expect, he made a comlete hash of the lot. Allegedly, he would get so stroppy on set and had such a prima donna attitude that cast and crew and crew stared calling the film 'Mangos: The Cans Of Fruit' behind his back.

This movie is basically a comprehensive guide on how NOT to make a movie. The incompotence levels are just off the chart. The camera Warren used couldn't record sound so it had to be added afterwards, with the dialogue being recorded by only 3 people, so when there are several actors on screen, it can be difficult to work out who is talking. John Reynolds, the actor who played Torgo, wore metal rigging on his legs in order to appear like a Satyr, but he wore them backwards, making his performance extremely awkward, not to mention painful. On top of all that, the night scenes were actually filmed at night, without any lighting equipment, so almost nothing can be seen; and Warren clearly didn't appreciate the beauty of the word 'Cut', because a handful of scenes go on, and on, and on, and on. They feel like they are never going to end, which wouldn't be so bad if they actually accomplished anything. But no, they are a complete waste of time and energy.

The list of how this movie fails is pretty much endless, but I really needn't say anymore. Of all the films I have ever seen, this is probably the worst. I've seen films I've hated more. Maybe they were stupider, more boring, more annoying etc, but in terms of quality of filmaking, this is the all-time low.

Verdict: So Bad It's Good? No

The Room

Next on the So Bad It's Good September list is the 2003 independent disaster The Room. Like all the films I will review this month, The Room has a devoted following, is a cult classic in many people's eyes, and just like Troll 2, the main focus of this bizarre adoration belongs primarily with the acting. Once again, it contains no professional actors, just randoms who, you guessed it, can't act to save themselves. But many other elements make up this, uh, masterpiece, so let's have a look.

If you can believe it, The Room's Director, Writer, Producer, and main star are all the same person: Tommy Wiseau. So when it comes to someone to blame for this film, it rests solely on this man; someone whose acting has been described as being like 'Borat doing an impression of Chris Walken playing a mental patient.' Harsh, but VERY fair.

With an independent injection of $5 million, the film was met with scolding disparagements, with the plot, characters, editing, direction, screenplay and in the particular, the acting, being called on. Wiseau has stated that the movie was intended to be a black comedy, and as such, the irregularities are intentional. But members of the cast and crew have debated this, saying it was supposed to be a romance. Whatever it was supposed to be, it failed. Big time.

The film takes places in San Francisco, where our main character Johnny (Wiseau) lives an idyllic life as a successful banker, engaged to a beautiful woman named Lisa (Juliette Danielle). Unfortunately, we discover that Lisa has grown tired of Johnny, labelling him as 'boring'. So in order to spice up her life, she begins an affair with Johnny's best friend Mark (Greg Sestero).

Believe it or not but the above paragraph pretty much sums up the entire plot. It's so basic and rudimentary you wouldn't believe that you could churn out so much protracted and superfluous nonsense from it. Plenty of things happen in the film of course, but one of the flaws that the film was called on by audiences was just how many utterly unnecessary scenes the film contains. When I first watched it I found myself asking, everytime a scene ended, "What was the point of that?" The answer, of course, is none.

                                                       "You are tearin' me apar Liza!"

The film is roughly an hour and a half long, and maybe only 20 minutes of that is dedicated to the central storyline, which is weak at best. The rest seems to be exaggerated filler. For example, in one of the many scenes where Lisa talks (pointlessly) with her mother, she is informed that her mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This notably serious piece of information is casually dismissed, and never brought up again. In another scene, Denny, a friend of Johnny and Lisa (yet another pointless addition) is confronted by a drug dealer he owes money too. Afterwards, this issue is never revisited, and no mention of Denny's drug taking occurs before or after this event.

But, as I mentioned earlier, it's not the plot that makes this movie so infamous. Oh no, that distinction belongs to the acting. Whoever told the people in this movie that they could act really need to reduce the dosage. Hammy and wooden don't even begin to describe it. The characters exude as much emotion as a Kevin Costner waxwork. Wiseau himself has become almost idolised for his appalling acting. Just type 'Oh hi Mark' into YouTube and you'll see exactly what I mean.

I could ramble on and on about how ways this movie falls flat on it's face. Acting, screenplay, editing, continuity, directing, the list just goes on. But unlike Troll 2, it does actually work on a certain level. The Room is undeniably fascinating. How is it possible that someone could make a film so lame, so utterly wretched, and yet so interesting and engaging? It's the kind of movie that could become the subject of a University Degree. It should be studied, analysed, dissected and microscopically examined. The Room is a bad film, but it gives you an experience you will never, ever forget.

Verdict: So Bad It's Good? Yes

Troll 2

This month I'd like to do something special. We've all heard of the expression 'So bad, it's good'. In film terms, it refers to a movie that is so poorly made and/or executed that it actually becomes amusing, in that you laugh at how terribly put-together it is. Well this month is going to be 'So Bad It's Good September', as we look at 4 of the most famous fantastically abysmal films, starting with the 1990 'Horror Movie' Troll 2

Directed by Claudio Fragasso (under the pseudonom Drake Floyd), Troll 2 was originally titled 'Goblins', but was renamed in an apparent attempt to cash-in on the movie Troll, which was, itself, a critical flop. On top of that, the writers, Floyd and Rossella Drudi, were not fluent in English, but despite this, they insisted that the actors read the resultantly bizarre dialogue verbatim. So, we're off to a good start.

The plot, as you may have guessed, is dumb. And I don't just mean basically stupid, I mean unbelievably ridiculous. The film follows the Waits family; Mum, Dad, daughter Holly and son Joshua, as they take a summer vacation to a town called Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards, this film's idea of a twist). Joining them are Holly's boyfriend Elliot and his friends Brent, Arnold and Drew. I haven't included the names of any cast members, as none of the 'stars' of the film were professional actors, though some did go on to achieve success in other areas, but more of that later.

The family arrive in Nilbog, where they find a meal laid out for them. Seemingly unconcerned that the food is covered in an undetermined green slime, they prepare to tuck in. At this point, Grandpa Seth (a deceased member of the family, whom only Joshua can see) appears, and tells Josh that if anyone eats the food, they will be turned in vegetables and eaten by the locals. That's right, the movie's antagonists are vegetarian Goblins. Do you feel the sheer terror creeping up your spine? I sure hope not.

So how does Joshua stop his family from being turned into cabbages? He urinates on the food! No, I'm not kidding.

Meanwhile, Arnold's friends, who incidentally have NOTHING to do with the central plot, or any other plot for that matter, are camped out in an RV on the outskirts of town. While having a smoke, Arnold sees a blonde woman running through the forest in panic. After tackling her to the ground like a reasonable, compassionate human being, the 2 of them come face-to-face with the Goblins. In all honesty, the only thing I found interesting about this film is how in God's name you could possibly find them scary. Every one of them looks like the butchered love-child of an Orc and a bag of potatoes, and worst of all, every time we see them, they are in broad daylight. No build-up, no great reveal, no suspense at all.

One of the Goblins lobs a spear at Arnold, forcing him and the unnamed blonde to seek medical help. Eventually coming across what looks like Willy Wonka's Cathedral, they come across Creedence, local mad-woman and contender for world's greatest scenery chewer. Informing them there is no hospital in the area, she offers them some of her homemade 'remedies'. They both drink (despite the blonde not being injured). She turns into a melting cucumber, he becomes stuck to the ground. What follows is the infamous 'Oh My God' Internet meme, which has chalked up over 3 million hits on Youtube.

                                                        Possibly the best death ever!!

There's not much else I want to say about the plot, or lack of it. I don't imagine many of you have ever seen the film, and those of you who haven't probably never will. All I'll say about the rest of the film is that it contains a few death scenes involving chainsaws, sandwiches and popcorn. Again, I'm not kidding.

This movie is dreadful, pure and simple. It commits every single sin in the cinematic Bible. Bad direction, absurd plot, laughable dialogue, terrible acting, crap special effects, awful music, abysmal editing, and a plethora of entirely redundant scenes. For me, these faults add together to spawn the movies most resounding flaw: It's soooo boring. Everything about this movie is protracted and completely uninteresting. None of the characters or story lines are engaging, and therefore there is no reason to care about any of them. It just drags from one tooth-grindingly inane scene to the next.

Troll 2 has legions of fans who praise it's almost inspiring badness, but I certainly am not one of them.

Verdict: So Bad Its Good? No

Sin City

Continuing with comic book movies, this week's film is based on Frank's Millers graphic novel series from the mid to early nineties. This is Sin City.

Directed by Robert Rodriguez (From Dusk Till Dawn, The Faculty) and Frank Miller, (who has a cameo in the film) Sin City was released in 2005 to critical and commercial success, with praise being directed mainly towards the films unique visual style. It features an ensemble cast including Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Jessica Alba, Benico Del Torro, and many others. The film is based in the eponymous city, and follows several story arcs (all based on Miller's comics) which often intertwine. What results is a slickly directed, well acted piece of neo-noir brilliance. To make everything easier to follow, I'll break up the review, & look at each storyline separately.

The Customer Is Always Right

The film opens with The Salesman (Josh Harnett) offering a woman (The Customer) a cigarette outside a party. He offers to save her from her life, and after sharing a kiss, he shoots her. Pretty brief huh?

That Yellow Bastard

Police Officer John Hartigan (Willis) is out to stop a little girl called Nancy from being violated by a serial child-killer called Junior (Nick Stahl). Unfortunately, the killer's father is a powerful US Senator that has most of the police force on his payroll. After finding and wounding Junior, Hartigan is double-crossed by his partner, who is also being payed off by the Senator. Hartigan is badly wounded, but is happy since Nancy is safe, he happily passes out.

The Hard Goodbye

An unpleasant looking misanthrope named Marv (Rourke) wakes after a drunken one night stand, and finds that his partner Goldie has been murdered, and sets out to avenge her death. The police soon arrive, but Marv escapes before they can arrest him, and begins searching the city, looking for clues as to who killed Goldie and why. He interrogates hitmen, casino workers and even a corrupt priest (Miller's cameo) who reveals that the Rourke family, which includes the Senator that payed off Hartigan's unit, is responsible. Marv continues his quest to find Goldie's murderer, progressively killing his way to the truth.

The Big Fat Kill

Shellie (Brittany Murphy) is harassed by old flame Jack Rafferty (Del Toro), who has shown up at her apartment drunk. Dwight (Clive Owen), Shellie's new boyfriend, confronts Jack, sending him off in a rage to Old Town, an area where the law is dispensed by prostitutes. When Jack makes the mistake of threatening one of them, he and his friends are killed. Unfortunately Dwight and the hookers discover, much to their disdain, that Jack was a much-loved police hero, and that if his death is discovered, the cops would move in on Old Town, and the prostitutes' lives would be ruined.

Do I have something on me?

Naturally I haven't described what happened at the end of each scenario, as I try to include as few spoilers as possible in these reviews. Needless to say, all the scenarios hold up well, and on the occasions when they crossover, it's always works to the films advantage. This film has a lot going on, what with having numerous story lines, but at no time does it feel overwhelming. The pacing is perfect, and the stories are straightforward enough to enjoy, but also complex enough to be engaging. The all-star cast turn in great performances as their respective characters. My personal favourite is Marv. I think it's something to do with the fact that, for all intensive purposes, he is a very unpleasant character, but the narrative and the stunning performance from Rourke actually make us feel sorry for him. We feel his pain, his despair, and we want him to avenge his fallen lover. For me, this is just the scenario that sticks out, but I love all of them, and put together, they add up to one hell of a movie.

The Crow

It seems comic book movies are all the rage nowadays. Superman, Spiderman, Batman, Ironman, The Green Lantern, all of which have been made into successful film. But back in 1994, a lesser-known comic book series was turned in to a film, and a very good one at that; The Crow.

The movie is directed by Alex Proyas (I, Robot) and stars Brandon Lee in his tragic final role, Ernie Hudson, Michael Wincott and Rochelle Davis. It is set in Detroit, on October 30th, over 2 subsequent years, and involves a man who is brought back from the dead in order to avenge the death of himself and his fiancé. It's stylish, atmospheric, and full of kick-ass action scenes.

On the day before Halloween, know as Devil's Night, Eric Draven (Lee) a musician, and his fiancé Shelly Webster are brutally murdered by a group of thugs. The scene is investigated by Sergeant Albrect (Hudson). He comes across a girl called Sarah (David), whom Eric and Shelly used to care for, due to her mother being a negligent drug addict.

1 year later, Eric is brought back to life as a crow taps on his gravestone. He returns to his former apartment, and is haunted by flashbacks of his and his fiancés murder. Eric discovers that he is now physically indestructible, as any mortal wounds he sustains heal immediately. He then dresses entirely in black, paints his face to resemble a harlequin mask, and sets out seeking retribution under the watchful eye of the enigmatic crow.

The crow leads Eric to the gang members who were responsible for the grisly murders, and kills them one by one. During one of these revenge killings, he finds that the gang member is taking morphine with Sarah's mum Darla. After killing the thug, he convinces Darla to quit taking drugs, and she attempts to become a better mother.

Eventually, after eliminating all of the thugs, Eric goes after the leader of the gang, the man who actually orchestrated the murders, Top Dollar (Wincott), him being the last person he needs to kill before his vengeance is complete.

Generally speaking, if you mention this movie to anyone that knows anything about it, they will no doubt bring up the on-set demise of Brandon Lee. During filming, dummy rounds were used in used in an earlier scenes, and one became stuck in one of the guns. In Lee's final scene, this dummy round was forced out of the gun when fired, and lodged in Lee's spine. If you watch the scene you can actually see the moment when the bullet strikes him.

While marred by the death of it's star, The Crow is still a great film, truly fantastic. It has that dark, Gothic atmosphere that Tim Burton has practically made his career out of. It feels like you are truly in a dystopian metropolis at the height of its decadence. The fight scenes are spectacular, the methods by which Eric kills the gang members are often downright inspired, and Lee completely embodies the undead rockstar persona: The look, the mannerisms, even the way he moves. Allegedly, Lee was so excited to play the part because he was interested in how a deadman would actually behave. No one can really be sure, but Lee makes an admirable effort, and certainly ends his career with a bang; no pun intended.

The Mask Of Zorro

Don't you just love swashbuckling movies? The Count Of Monte Cristo, The Three Musketeers, the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies, they're just awesome. Sword-fights are so much more engaging than gunfights, and bring us closer to the action. So today I'm going to look at a one of my favourite swashbucklers, The Mask Of Zorro.

Released in 1998 under the direction of Martin Campbell (Vertical Limit, Edge Of Darkness), the movie stars Anthony Hopkins, Antonio Banderas, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Stuart Wilson. Based on the character created by Johnston McCulley, The Mask Of Zorro tells the story of a masked vigilante who fights against the oppressive Spanish Government during their occupation of California. It's well-paced, well-developed and it's fun, fun fun.

The movie opens in 1821, during the Mexican War Of Independence, where Zorro (Hopkins) is fighting for the people of California, which is under Spanish rule. He threatens Don Rafael Montero (Wilson), the corrupt Governor of the region, and warns him not to return. Later that day, Montero discovers that Zorro is in fact Diego De La Vega, a local nobleman, and arrests him at his home. In the ensuing fight, Vega's wife Esperanza is killed. Montero takes Elena, Vega's daughter, and imprisons Vega, telling him he wants him to suffer for the rest of his life.

20 years later, Montero returns from Spain with a grown-up Elena (Zeta-Jones), with big plan's for California. His returns quickly gets the attention of Vega, who has spent 20 years languishing in prison. He breaks out of jail, intent on finding out Montero's plans, while preparing to exact his revenge. Unable to do this himself, due to 2 decades of incarceration, he takes on a protégé, Alejandro Murrieta (Bandreas). Alejandro has recently lost his brother at the hands of Montero's right-hand man Captain Love, and so has the right motivation to help Zorro in his quest for vengeance.

                                   I will eat your live with some fava beans, and a nice Chianti.

With his training and tutelage, Vega turns Alejandro into the next Zorro, but is angered at his vanity and quest for fame and recognition. Despite their differences, they work on discovering Montero's plan, and it turns out that Montero is scheming to buy California from General Santa Anna with gold he is digging from the General's own land.

From then on, we get Vega and Alejandro fighting for both their own retribution, and for the freedom of their people. As a result, we get chases on horseback, explosions, high-flying stunts, epic rivalries, and of course, one-on-ones. Put together, we get one of the best action films I have ever seen. It's just such a joy to watch. The characters, the story and the way it progresses, the antagonism between our heroes and their adversaries, and the kick-ass action scenes. Movies that are this enjoyable don't come along very often, so when they do, we have to savour them as much as possible. While the sequel, The Legend Of Zorro, is still pretty good, it has nothing on it's predecessor; a great action movie, plain and simple.

There's Something About Mary

Today's movie is what's known as a 'Sleeper Hit'. A movie that, unexpectedly, achieves high levels of recognition. Films like Caddyshack, The Big Lebowski, and even The Shawshank Redemption, one of the world's most renowned films. Today's film takes it's place among these classics, and that film is There's Something About Mary.

Directed by the Farrelly brothers (Dumb & Dumber, Me, Myself & Irene) and released in 1998, There's Something About Mary stars Ben Stiller, Cameron Diaz, Matt Dillion, Chris Elliott & Chris Evans. On a budget of just over $20 million, it grossed nearly $370 million worldwide, making it the highest grossing comedy, and 4th highest grossing film of the year. Not to mention it turned Stiller and Diaz into overnight stars, with the latter receiving over 10 award nominations. The film follows the escapades of 4 guys who all fall in love with a woman named Mary, and the profound impact this has on their lives. It's one of the funniest, sharpest, quirkiest, and somehow most touching gross-out movies ever conceived.

The movie begins with our main character, Ted Stroehmann (Stiller), a shy and awkward Rhode Island school kid. With the prom soon approaching, Ted finds himself taking his dream girl, Mary Jensen (Diaz). Unfortunately, after a slight 'malfunction' with his zipper, Ted is rushed off to hospital, and Mary disappears from his life.

13 years later, Ted finds he still can't get Mary out of his head, so his best friend Dom (Elliot) suggests a Claims Investigator from his firm called Pat Healy (Dillon), who could track her down. Accepting the challenge, Healy discovers Mary working in Miami as an Orthopaedic Surgeon. Keeping a close eye on her, Healy, like Ted, falls for Mary. In order to win her affections he resorts to numerous deceitful tactics, such as claiming to be an Architect, and claiming to have visited Nepal. Unfortunately one of Mary's close friends, Tucker, also a liar, exposes Healy, as he himself has also fallen for Mary.

                                                                               Ouch!

Mary and Ted meet up for the first time in over a decade, and begin to bond. Unfortunately, both Healy and Tucker want him out of the picture, as does somebody else, yet another sucker for Mary.

This concept of many guys falling for the same girl could have been done do badly, with nothing but toilet humour and tasteless, unrelenting sex jokes, but this movie handles the subject matter incredibly well. Nothing is over-done, no jokes are stretched out like in a bad Family Guy episode. The set ups and pay offs are just hysterical. The situations, while a little unbelievable, are unforgettable, and the interactions of the characters, especially when in Mary's presence, is just golden.

This is, put simply, a comedy formula that works. Everything about it works. There are no real weak links. It still holds up, remaining one of cinemas finest, and most endearing comic achievements.